fallingbathtubius!
by SatanicGnomes
Summary: Accompany our heroes Harry Ron and Draco(though he wasn’t invited, he just tagged along) as they deal with loosing your copy of titanic(trust me the consequences are not pretty)Chapter 10! wish me luck on my history test in a review and win my gratitude
1. Default Chapter

Here's the deal, this isn't supposed 2 be a quality fic, not supposed to be! It's for humor purposes only, its very very random and will a lot of the time not make any sense. Just so ya'll know.  
  
Disclaimer: no, I don't own Harry Potter, and neither does Emma HAPPY NOW? JUST GO AND SHATTER MY DREAMS! Can sum1 review and tell me if its ok to b in love w/ a fictional character, and where I can get therapy 4 it.  
  
Here is the jist, because the first chapter made no sense at all so I took it out:  
  
Sylvie's Ron's "soul mate", though she's probably going to die since Hermione is Ron's soul mate. Constantine, or Cecile (they're the same person) is pregnant (oh don't be all offended, its not worth it) and doesn't know if it's Harry's or Draco's, this chapter starts right about when she tells Harry. Oh yeah, Harry goes mad when anyone says the word Beaver.  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
"That's why I'm telling you both" said Cecile  
  
  
  
"Wow, ok, that's spiffy and all, but for the record, I'm a maniac bloke who gets crazy every time somebody says the b-word! I'd make a terrible dad" Noted Harry  
  
  
  
"B-word?" Cecile questioned.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, you know, B-E-V-E-R."  
  
  
  
"Oh, I never did learn how to spell, Mummy did say it would backfire, should have listened to her.IF ONLY SHE HADN'T TAKEN THE GODDAMED POWERPUFF GIRLS THERMOS!!!!" Yelled Cecile frantically  
  
  
  
"Do you need a time out?" questioned Harry, mostly because he was eager to get away and get his thoughts together.  
  
  
  
"No, I'm good, its just I loved that thermos! But anyway, so this is my plan.I'm going to go 2 London to see a doctor, and I'm going to take Sylvie with me, you can come if you want, if not you can just give me a strand of your hair, and I can conduct the tests, Draco's coming, but you don't have 2." Cecile said, slowly  
  
  
  
"Yeah, I think its best if I stay here and.wait, Draco's going, I thought he was gay."  
  
  
  
"No, he said he was drunk that night.and that he loved me, and that, and I quote 'Even if it was that fucking bastard who knocked you up, I'll run away with you and love this child like he never could, because I love you like he never could. (Period)'"  
  
  
  
"Um, hold on, can I get back to you on this whole thing, I'm confussed!" Harry confessed.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, sure."she replied unsure of his thoughts  
  
~*~  
  
Later at lunch~  
  
  
  
"Ok Ron, here's the deal man.Cecile is pregnant, and."  
  
  
  
"HA, I TOLD YOU SHE WAS EVIL!" Ron interrupted, cockily  
  
  
  
"No, man, I think.I think I love her."Harry said.just realizing it  
  
  
  
"Oh, in that case, continue with the story." Ron said simply, Harry eyed him suspiciously for a moment, then just shrugged and went on:  
  
  
  
"Ok, well she's going to London tomorrow to see a doctor, and Draco is going with her, so is her little friend, Sylvie. Should I go or not?"  
  
  
  
"Yeah, I think we should both go."  
  
  
  
"What? Why are you coming?" asked Harry confused.  
  
  
  
"Man, you know I love you, we're best mates!" Ron said, and then he added, in a barely audible whisper "And I plan on spending some quality time with Sylvie.then killing you all, no, not really, wow, this is a very long whisper, I'm still whispering and its barely audible, that's what I said, hardly perceptible.ok, gonna stop now. (Period)"  
  
  
  
~*~ 


	2. Why should you think that I should woo i...

~*~  
  
  
  
Harry walked to the great hall and scanned the Slytherin table for Cecile's face, but to no avail. Instead, his eyes met Draco's, this pair of eyes happened to be glaring at Harry coldly. Harry ignored it and was about to go look for Cecile in the library when Draco came up to him.  
  
  
  
"Potter, I need to talk to you," he said.  
  
  
  
"What do you want? This is ridiculous, I hate you and would not give u more then 2 minutes of my time!"  
  
  
  
"Its about Cecile." Draco whispered, seriously  
  
  
  
"What?" Harry asked, getting anxious.  
  
  
  
"Well," said Draco, "I think... we should duel for her.... TO THE DEATH!"  
  
  
  
"What? Are you insane?" Harry exclaimed, "That's the stupidest flibbertigibbitin thing I ever heard!"  
  
  
  
"Well," Draco said, "do YOU have a better idea?" Harry thought for a moment, and then...  
  
  
  
"Well, we could...or you could leave her the hell alone, since I'm the good guy here, and good guys always win!" said Harry, matter-of-factly.  
  
  
  
"What? How are you the good guy, you're the one who wanted to leave her pregnant and alone!" Draco yelled  
  
  
  
"Um...no I didn't...plus, you've got the black hat on!"  
  
  
  
"What the fuck are you on about Potter!?"  
  
  
  
"O..." Harry takes out his wand and mutters "Cowboyus hatus onus" and a cowboy hat appeared on each boys head, Harry's white and Draco's black.  
  
Suddenly, Draco began to act very strange. He went up to random guys and started dancing. He also began to talk like a valley girl. Harry was confuzzed for a few minutes, but then, a magical light bulb came up over his head. Harry shouted,  
  
  
  
"OH MY GOD, MALFOY'S ACTUALLY GAY!"  
  
Draco turned around, and said,  
  
"No I'm not, its this flibbertigibittin hat, its CURSED! CURSED, I TELL YOU, CURSED!"  
  
"Mine isn't," Harry said, simply.  
  
"Well, who was the one who did the spell, dumbflibbertigibbit?"  
  
"O, right."  
  
"Yes, you set me up! Lets duel right now!"  
  
"You forgot to the death" Harry whispered,  
  
"O, right, thank you...TO THE DEATH!"  
  
The two boys start dueling and hardly notice Cecile enter the great hall while putting two Barbie sized suitcases into her pocket, followed by Sylvie doing the same thing, and they wouldn't have noticed if Ron hadn't let out a huge sigh. 


	3. Will you marry me? ...

A/N- Ok, If anyone can tell me where the title of the last chapter came from and the last line from this chappy, I'll give you my eternal love and devotion. Right. And yes, contrary to popular belief, I do love each and every one of you, as long as you review. = ) Luv, Emma  
  
another A/N- Hey dudes, no new ppl reviewed, further confirmation that our story sux, o well! HELENA+DANIEL 4EVA!  
  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
As Ron watched Sylvie leave, he felt his heart break. "Damn, just as I was about to get some! She loves Constantine more than me. Damnness."  
  
When Ron was sad, there was only one thing to do....  
  
WATCH TITANIC!  
  
Harry and Draco circled around each other, resembling scenes from two really bad books. (The Outsiders and Call of the Wild, if your not in Mr. Horgans class) Suddenly, Ron ran up to Harry and pulled him away from the fight. "Harry!" he said, "Titanic's gone missing!"  
  
"So just watch all the taped episodes of Trading Spaces you have. That Paige girl, shes hot. Too bad she got married. Paige Page....HA!"  
  
"But I must have Titanic!"  
  
"Then we must go on a quest" Harry said dramatically" to the homes of the most obsessed Titanic freaks ever...."  
  
"Who? WHO?" Draco asked.  
  
"What the hell? You're not even in this conversation!"  
  
"oh, right."  
  
"We must go to....KATE, EMMA, AND HELENAS HOUSES!"  
  
"Who?" asked Draco  
  
"Um...did we not just go over the whole 'you-aren't-part-of-the- conversation' thing? "  
  
"Fine!" Draco said before running to the corner, digging a hole and crawling into it  
  
"Anyway," said Harry, turning back to Ron, "Yeah, Emma, Kate and Helena!"  
  
"Man, we haven't seen them since titanic camp in Cleveland...they were cool!"  
  
"Anyway, so are we gonna go a-lookin' for them?"  
  
"Doesn't this destroy the plot? I mean, we did kinda have the whole follow Cecile and Sylvie thing going on..." Ron questioned.  
  
"Yeah...but we can just go, watch the moo-v with them, hope we don't fall madly in love, cause they love that Rupert guy and that Daniel guy, then come back"  
  
"Okie-dokey!"  
  
"Can I come to?" Draco asked, but no one heard him, so he just crawled out of his hole and followed the boys.  
  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
The boys suddenly apparated in a movie theater.  
  
"Where the hell are we?" Ron asked.  
  
"Well, the sign says UA Bethesda. I wonder what that could be."  
  
"I think its a movie theater. I read about them in Muggle Studies."said Draco.  
  
*just then a bathtub fell from the sky*  
  
"WHAT THE HELL? I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS SHIT!"screamed Harry.  
  
"OK, calm down. Now, Draco, what the jimmy are you doing here?"  
  
"I don't know" answered Draco.  
  
"OK, fair enough."  
  
The three boys decided to go into the moo-v theater to see what moo-v was playing. The only one that was on at that time was "Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron" They decided to watch it.  
  
When the raven-haired boy, the fire-topped male, and the Slytherin walked into the theater, they were greeted by a bunch of sad little children watching the castrated eyebrow-full horse moo-v. Suddenly they saw a girl who looked about their age stand up and yell "What the fuck!? This is the worse movie since Wendy's SSL video!" They quickly noticed it was Helena, one of the girls from Titanic Camp.  
  
"HELENA!" said Harry, "We've come to visit you!"  
  
"Harry, Ron? Wow, haven't seen you guys since Cleveland, TITANIC CAMPERS BUDDY HANDSHAKE"  
  
*perform freaky handshake, all the children in the theater leave, quickly*  
  
"So…where's Emma? " asked Ron, "O, and…Kate"  
  
"O, well they're at Emma's house, we can go there now, not like I'll be missing anything, this moo-v sucks!"  
  
"Okay" said Ron, Harry and Draco in unison.  
  
"Okay, I don't have a ride, so we're gonna have to take yours"  
  
"Ride? What is this 'Ride' you speak of?" asked Draco  
  
"Draco, shutup" Harry said before turning to Helena, "Anyway, this is urgent, the girl Ron was in love with is…um…I cant remember the problem, cuz I was busy dueling with this dude" he points at Draco, "for the love of my life, but there's a problem with the girl he loves and so, the natural thing to do would be to--"  
  
"Watch Titanic" Helena interrupted in an understandable tone  
  
"Yes," Ron continued, "But our copy seems to be missing!"  
  
"GASP!"  
  
"Yeah, tell me about it!" said Harry  
  
"Titanic? Is that one of the passengers?" Draco questioned with a confused look on his face. 


	4. Everybody wants to be a cat

A/N- DUDE!! We got our first flame *dances around cheerfully* it was some loser who thinks that COW, TS and TO are cool, I'm thinking Mr. Horgan, or maybe some Goth dude that hates life! You gotta be a masochist if u like reading those books! anyway, If your reading this, thanx a lot, your flame made my day! I'm not being sarcastic, the reason y we wrote the story in the first place was to get flames. I just hope next time we get a flame from some one who does have a social life, and friends, but this is a start, and we appreciate it! BTW, the grade level guess was very close! 4 the rest of u, don't worry, we ain't gonna change the way our story is going b/c of the social reject, and we will continue to use words like ginourmous and niddged :-D LYL, hope u like the chappy, or don't, either way, review!  
  
  
  
Helena and the guys left the theater, and apparated to Emma's house. They went inside, and found Emma and Kate trying to break the world record for longest time spent doing Cotton Eye Joe while singing Hakuna Matata in German. "Hakuna Matata, Eine was für wundervolle..O, hi, um....yea. So, what are fictional characters from probably the most entertaining books ever doing in your living room, Emma?"  
  
"We met them at Titanic camp. But guys, why are you here?"  
  
"Well, the love of Ron's life is leaving him, and"  
  
"O My God, he didn't!" Emma interrupted.  
  
"Yes, yes, it's true! It's true, OK! I LOST IT! I BROKE THE NUMBER 1M RULE, AND DESERVE TO BE KICKED OUT OF MY POSITION AS TREASURER OF THE TITANIC FAN CLUB!"  
  
When Ron starts to sob Emma goes and gives him a hug. "It's all right. As co-president, I state that you can keep your job. But, to keep your job, you must do..."  
  
"THE TITANIC CLUB LOSE-YOUR-MOVIE-AND-YOU-EITHER-DIE-OR-DO-THESE-THINGS- TORTURE!" everyone in the room shouts.  
  
"I accept whatever challenges you may give to me, and would now like to sing the Titanic fanclub theme song, to show my devotion."  
  
Ron began to chant:  
  
"Never felt this way, while watching any other movie!  
  
And the way Fabizio dances, is simply very groovy,  
  
Never saw a better leading male's best friend then him,  
  
And I love when Rose and Jack, on the deck, Begin to spin!  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, thou shall forever remain in my heart,  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, nothing can break the bond we have, no nothing can rip us apart!  
  
You made me laugh, you made me cry,  
  
'Twas so sad to watch the old people on the bed die!  
  
I hate Cal with all my soul  
  
And Lovejoy, don't you dare spit in my cereal bowl!  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, thou shall forever remain in my heart,  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, nothing can break the bond we have, no nothing can rip us apart!  
  
O, I love the chicken dance, and the hamster dance as well,  
  
But if I don't love titanic more, then let me burn in hell!  
  
I could stop pollution, and end world hunger too,  
  
If I didn't spend most of my time at home, watching you!  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, thou shall forever remain in my heart,  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, nothing can break the bond we have, no nothing can rip us apart!  
  
The love between Jack and Rose  
  
Equals the love between Titanic and me.  
  
He only difference is  
  
Jack's not on DVD!  
  
  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, thou shall forever remain in my heart,  
  
O Titanic, O Titanic, nothing can break the bond we have, no nothing can rip us apart!"  
  
  
  
Helena wiped a tear from her eye. "That was the most heartfelt version of the song I have ever heard."  
  
  
  
"Wow" Said Harry. "You could be an opera singer or something."  
  
  
  
"Really?" said Ron, getting excited. "It's always been my dream."  
  
  
  
"No, I don't really think so, I was lying" responded Harry, looking at Ron a little strangly.  
  
  
  
"O, ok."  
  
  
  
Draco just sat in the corner, repeating the phrase "Cookies for sale, one penguin each. Cookies for sale, one penguin each. Cookies for sale…"  
  
A/N- Yes, we (well, mostly Helena) did take the time to write the song. Yes, we are pathetic, but it is a darn good song! 


	5. 

OMG, thank u so much! This is great, flame # 2! I do though, resent you calling us white trash, since only half of us are white, and the half that isn't doesn't exactly like the expression. As for coming back to review, thanx a lot, but I thought you wanted your time back, doesn't the coming to waste more time negate the wanting it back in the first place? I wouldn't know, since my brain isn't very developed. I think you can teach us a lot, and I appreciate you coming back, but I do ask you to refrain from insulting our races or backgrounds, please stick to our writing. I still don't think you have friends, or that you love life, but that is beyond the point. Thanx 4 the help. P.S. we knew you were a high-born white person (though we thought you were a guy) and that you are most likely spoiled and living in a bubble (that was the last of mine, or my co-writer's 'disses' to anything you might consider personal). Do you vacation in France every year? Two more, do you watch the world cup? And, do upper-class Americans rule the world? And tell the COW thing 2 Mr. Horgan.  
  
As for the rest of you, way to not review! You've broken our hearts, THEY BLEED BECAUSE OF YOU!  
  
  
  
"Wow Ron," said Kate, "I didn't believe it when they said you could touch peoples souls when you sang that song, and I still don't, but since I don't have a soul, maybe I shouldn't be commenting"  
  
"What? You missed my performance at Karaoke night?" Ron said, shocked  
  
"Well I once saw a tree that was so tall, it had snow on the top, LIKE A MOUNTAIN!" Said Helena  
  
"No, no Helena…anyway" everyone (Except Helena, duh) said in unison.  
  
"No, I didn't, remember? I passed out when I saw Mr. Kenney pouring Hawaiian Punch into the Unsinkable Molly River!"  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
"O yeah, it was snowing outside!" Helena said excitedly  
  
"No, no Helena, No." Everyone except Helena and Harry said.  
  
"Harry? Are you ok? I mean, you didn't even join in mocking Helena!"  
  
"Mmm, pie!"  
  
"Well, think about it, it's not really her fault her mind works that way!" Harry attempted to justify his actions. Everyone looked at him, totally conffuzed (Even Helena). There was a long, awkward period of silence.  
  
"Hen, why did u take father bear's pie? Twas not kind, especially since it was cherry, his favorite!" Helena said, breaking the uncomfortable stillness.  
  
"N0 Hele-" Kate, Emma and Draco started to say, but Ron interrupted them:  
  
"Stop, I don't think I can take the weirdness that is Harry not joining in again."  
  
"Point taken." Draco, Emma and Kate said, in unity, again  
  
"I know I'm the abnormal here and all," Helena said, before she stopped and thought about what she said, "well, the most abnormal," she said, before stopping again, "well ok, we're all totally strange people… but since we're all weird people, and I fit into the 'all' category: I'm a strange little radish. Anyway, I do have a point; I hate to be the one to point this out, but the 'speaking in unity' thing as freaking the heebie-jeebies out of me." Helena said  
  
"Right" Everyone (Except Helena) agreed AT THE SAME TIME!  
  
" MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT END!" Helena screamed in an 'ok, she deserves to be in an asylum' kind of way.  
  
"Man you deserve to be in an asylum," Draco said  
  
"I know, we trained very hard to get here, Emma, as queen of 'What the flibbertigibbet? 's taught me everything she knows!" Helena said, almost admiringly, "Anyway, I say we all get back to Ron's punishments, I mean, he did break rule #1."  
  
"Right, lets do it then!" Ron said, bravely.  
  
"Okie, lets take out 'The list that lists 'THE TITANIC CLUB LOSE-YOUR-MOVIE- AND-YOU-EITHER-DIE-OR-DO-THESE-THINGS-TORTURE!' things'!" Emma said, importantly.  
  
"Ooo! Skip to number 14, skip to number 14!" Kate yelled!  
  
"What's number 14?" Draco asked, Emma, Kate, Helena and Ron gasped!  
  
"How dare you break the 'don't ask what thing corresponds with that number until you're at that number' rule!" Ron said, "AND WHY DIDN'T YOU GASP HARRY?"  
  
"Guys, I think Harry's lost his…emotional shallowness!"  
  
"What?" Emma asked, "DUDE, THAT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"  
  
"See, I was going to say emotional depth, but that doesn't work, since our emotions are all worn on our sleeves and you don't really have to look deep into them, so I said shallowness, since Harry, now that we can't read his emotions easily is emotionally deep, he lost his emotional shallowness." Helena explained  
  
"Dude that made so much sense I'm afraid to be me." Emma said.  
  
"Anyway, now that you people are done talking about Harry as if he wasn't there, I believe that you will find Harry is this way because Harry knocked up the woman of his dreams, and now some gay evil dude is trying to be evil and take her away saying he loves her more then Harry does, when he doesn't, I do." Harry said with an emotionless tone, his face still looking totally anesthetized emotionally.  
  
"That made so much sense I'm afraid to be me." Ron said  
  
"Harry? I think you've gone over to the bad place." Helena said  
  
"He's gone off his rocker!" Kate shouted.  
  
"Ok Harry, if you don't jump out of that, we won't be able to move on in Ron's punishment, and if that happens, we'll never be able to get to number 14." Helena said to him, slowly. Harry immediately jumped out of his trance,  
  
"Okay, so where's that list?"     
  
"I have it!" screamed Kate.  
  
"It's Ok Kate, we all have ears. No need for screaming, now" Helena says calmly.  
  
"So, can you give the list to us?" queried Ron.  
  
"Did I have a crush on Will? Of course not!" randomly said Helena.  
  
"Um....I didn't ask you that."  
  
Okay, carry on."  
  
Suddenly, Draco lept up in the air. He jumps over to Kate, who has the sacred list in her hand. Kate bends back (think "Matrix" style) but unfortunalty, has a little problem with her balance and falls over. Draco takes the list, and runs out the door, screaming " Ding dong, the witch is dead, I'm a bag of striiiiiiiiiiiiiing cheeeeeeeeese!"  
  
"We better go after him, or Ron will permanently be held in contempt by the Titanic Gods" Harry quickly. They all began to run out the door, but then...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Do you really want to know?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Are you sure?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Because if you don't, you can just leave right now.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
God, you must really like this story to be reading this.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Or maybe you're just scrolling down, like I would do.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
To get to the rest of the story, you must do theses things three.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Damn, I can't think of anything.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
O fine, here's the rest.  
  
  
  
  
  
Draco calmly walks back into the room. "I went to get some cough drops from the store. I noticed you were out."  
  
"Thanks" responded Emma. "That's very nice. BUT WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE SACRED LIST WITH YOU?"  
  
"I thought it would make things interesting" answered Draco, popping another cough drop into his mouth. "Yum, overdosing on medicine is fun."  
  
"OK" said Helena, ignoring Draco. "Time for punishment number one...." 


	6. yep, bob dylan and i are homies, we hang...

~*~  
  
She took the paper from Draco and read from the list:  
  
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye, All friends of Barbie! No, wait, I lied, all members of the Titanic club, if you are reading this one of you is currently unworthy, he or she must now face "THE TITANIC CLUB LOSE-YOUR-MOVIE-AND-YOU-EITHER- DIE-OR-DO-THESE-THINGS-TORTURE" Naturally you know this, since you are reading the paper. Now, any member of the titanic club that becomes undeserving wants to redeem himself, naturally you do too because as the title says, if you don't, you will die. Now beware young traitor, for these tasks are extremely dangerous and you will not stand a pickle of likelihood if you are not pure of heart. Wait, I take that back, if you do not have undying love for titanic. There are 15 tasks in all, though number 14 is the coolest, and with each task accomplished you will win a little token of redemption (check blue bag that came with "THE TITANIC CLUB LOSE-YOUR-MOVIE- AND-YOU-EITHER-DIE-OR-DO-THESE-THINGS-TORTURE" kit, if they are missing call 1800-333-3333) and once you have all the tokens of redemption, you will make a necklace out of them using only your bare hands and a toothbrush, and award it to your true love. Good Luck, no not really, I actually want you to lose since you lost your movie in the first place"  
  
"Wow, does it really say that?" Kate asked  
  
"No, I just made that up on the spot, its actually just titled 'THE TITANIC CLUB LOSE-YOUR-MOVIE-AND-YOU-EITHER-DIE-OR-DO-THESE-THINGS-TORTURE' but I decided to add a little to it, you know me, I'm one 'person who likes to add to 'THE TITANIC CLUB LOSE-YOUR-MOVIE-AND-YOU-EITHER-DIE-OR-DO-THESE- THINGS-TORTURE' list' person!" Everyone was silent, and then they all heard a cricket chirp. Draco screamed and jumped in Kate's lap.  
  
"Draco, its just a cricket" Kate said  
  
"A wutet? I'm so afraid, god I don't even have my father to protect me!"  
  
"Right-o, task number one please" Ron said, trying to sound calm but to no avail. "Right, here goes Ron: 'As your first task, o un-worthy one, you shall watch the terrible dog- movie from the early 90's 'Fluke' and be forced to write a descriptive analysis of how the characters in it relate to the corruption of the Argentinean elderly society, and their growing obsession with sheep.' Ron, I don't mean to be pessimistic, but wow you're in trouble!" "Are you sure you read that right?" asked Ron, hoping for a negative answer.  
  
Helena looked at the paper, then, laughing, turned it upside down. "Oops, my bad. OK. The REAL thing you have to do is...."  
  
"Yes?" asked Ron.  
  
"O, wait, no, sorry, it's the same thing either way. Off you go!"  
  
Ron gulped. The situation seemed hopeless. On one hand, he didn't want to be dead. On the other hand, the color purple always scared him. What to do, what to do...  
  
Finally, he just went to Sparknotes.com, and clicked on the "how the characters in it relate to the corruption of the Argentinean elderly society, and their growing obsession with sheep" button, and copied it. "There, done!" he exclaimed. Ron waited for an answer, but he got none. When he looked around, he noticed no one was in the room with him. Just then the door opened.  
  
"Where were you guys?"  
  
"Oh, we thought you wouldn't mind if we went to the fair without you." Emma answered.  
  
"The fair! But...but, that's my favorite place!"  
  
"O well, sucks for you"  
  
"We got to go on the merry-go-round! We got to go on the merry- go-round!" Ron, Emma, Helena and Harry turned to see Kate and Draco singing and do-si-doing in the corner.  
  
"Anyway..." Helena said, breaking the silence. "We also got moo- v's to watch." She dug into the bag she was carrying. "Emma got The Little Rascals, Draco and Kate got "Quigley Down Under"...she gave them a confuzzed look but continued on "and I got... O, just a moo-v," she said quickly, trying to hide it.  
  
"Hey, the guy on the front looks just like me! Who's Daniel Radcliffe, and why are you renting "101 Ways To Stalk Daniel Radcliffe"? Harry asked.  
  
"O, no one, no one at all" answered Helena, grabbing the moo-v back and blushing.  
  
"So Ron, did you finish the task?" Emma asked  
  
"Yeah, good ol' sparknotes! I never thought I would have to use the 'how the characters in it relate to the corruption of the Argentinean elderly society, and their growing obsession with sheep' button though."  
  
"Ron" Helena said, "You don't take an English class, what could you need sparknotes for?" Ron blushed crimson and quickly changed the subject,  
  
"Who's this Radcliffe bloke you were talking about?" Just then the crocodile hunter walked into the room in his khaki uniform, hat included:  
  
" 'Elo mates!" Helena gasped and ran over to Harry, hugging him tightly  
  
"If we all die know I want you to know that I loved you!"  
  
"Sometimes I think you're bad for my sanity, Helena, then the voices in my head start to argue and that somehow makes Ron horny, so when it happens I just shrug and say, 'Nah, she's only dangerous when she's calm.'" Was Harry's response.  
  
"And 'ere friends," Steve said turning to an imaginary camera, "We have a couple of human teenagers of the random and scary pedigree. I, being Steve the crocodile hunter, am brilliant and have come up with a fault-proof theory about contact with the ones who are of this rare breed. I reckon we can make contact if we sing 'the great big book of everything' song, it always seems to work for that Stanley bloke!" And at that, Steve began to sing:  
  
"Its..the...GREAT BIG BOOK OF EVERYTHING, With everything inside! See the world around us, This book's a perfect guide!"  
  
The teens calmly left the room and Steve was alone. The infamous Australian discovery channel guy reached into his pockets he pulled out Draco's cough drops, he cackled evilly for a steady 5 minutes then declared, in a thick Russian accent:  
  
"Now I have the power, I will kill all the crocodile, and the snakes too, ALL OF THEM, ALL OF THEM!" 


	7. Dude, an actual chapter See Jane Run Jan...

"Now I have the power, I will kill all the crocodile, and the snakes too, ALL OF THEM, ALL OF THEM!"  
  
Suddenly Draco runs back into the room and frantically looks around. He spotted the cough drops in Steve's hand, narrowing his eyes he pounced Steve (or is that even his real name? From now on, to eliminate any doubt, we shall call him the guy, formally known as Steve, the crocodile hunter), knocking him to the ground.  
  
Just then Allie Hewitt walked in, smiling cheerfully and humming 'A whole new world' from Aladdin. Allie waved at Draco and the guy, formally known as Steve, the crocodile hunter and then motioned for Helena, Emma, Harry and Ron to come back into the room.  
  
Once every one was back in the room, Allie broke into song:  
  
"I can show you the world, shinning, shimmering, splendid! Tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?"  
  
She was singing, you know, the whole song saying to some type of rhythm thing. But suddenly, the guy, formally known as Steve, the crocodile hunter, interrupted her,  
  
"Um, what are you doing here? THIS WAS MY MOMENT, MINE! YOU STOLE IT!"  
  
"oh, shutup," Allie responded quickly, "Nobody likes you, you're fat and I'm so much better, but I am here for a reason, I claim partial credit for your use in this fic, so HA!" and with that, she left.  
  
"ITS NOT FAIR!" Steve bellowed, "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!"  
  
"Um. . . Try to take over the world?" Harry ventured, uncertainly  
  
"But that wasn't my fault!" The man formally known as Steve insisted.  
  
"The man does have a point," said Ron, "It's the peer pressure, everybody's doing the world domination thing these days."  
  
"If every one was jumping off bridges, would you?" Helena asked  
  
"Yeah I did that once. . . don't you remember?" Ron said matter-of-factly  
  
"I do!" Harry said, they all turned to face him. "I was the one who started it." He grinned shyly.  
  
"Well, my work here is done." Said the man formally known as Steve  
  
"What? What work?" Everyone said in unison.  
  
"NO! NOT THIS AGAIN!" Said Helena, "TALK SEPERATLY GODDAMMIT!"  
  
"Right," said the man formally known as Steve, no, I'm bored of formally, lets use up until just now, said the man who up until just now was known as Steve, "The work is that I was sent here. . . By Sean Connery."  
  
"THAT'S SIR SEAN CONNERY!" Emma bellowed.  
  
"Right, Sir Sean Connery, to teach to you children the real spirit of Christmas."  
  
"Whaa?" Said Kate, "Christmas?"  
  
"Yes, it's a holiday in December, quite popular actually."  
  
"I know what Christmas is." Kate mumbled angrily.  
  
"Its ok, I understand" Draco comforted her, "I'll have my dad buy you Christmas if you want!"  
  
"Really?" Asked Kate, excitedly.  
  
"No. But it did sound really cool, didn't it?" He responded.  
  
"Alright, I propose we go find Sean Connery and ask him what the deal is with this whole 'true meaning of Christmas' thing." Ron said  
  
"Spot on, Ron!" Said Emma, "Hey that rhymed!" she added.  
  
~*~  
  
Will they find the true meaning of Christmas?  
  
Will anyone correct Ron for not saying Sir Sean Connery?  
  
Did Kate really think Draco's comment sounded cool?  
  
STAY TOONED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OF...FALLINGBATHTUBIUS!  
  
*We do not own anything* 


	8. What would Brian Boitano do? I'm sure he...

A/N's-  
  
  
  
Emma- Yea, sure, Rupert's all yours. AS SOON AS HARRY BECOMES GAY, DRACO AND HERMIONE PUT ASIDE THE FACT THAT THEY WANT EACH OTHER DEAD AND GET TOGETHER, RON GOES OVER TO VOLDIE, AND EMMA DOESN'T THINK ABOUT HARRY POTTER FOR A WHOLE HOUR! Yea, sure, great chance of that happening. Good luck.  
  
  
  
Helena- Erm. . . right, on with the show. . .  
  
  
  
To answer the questions the previous chapter posed:  
  
  
  
* Maybe  
  
  
  
* Yes  
  
  
  
* No  
  
  
  
Right, onto the chapter:  
  
  
  
"Its Sir Sean Connery," Helena corrected Ron, "But sure, off to find him. . ."  
  
  
  
"How do you propose we get there?" The man formally known as Steve queried, raising an eyebrow. They all stared at him for a moment, then at each other.  
  
  
  
"Right," Harry said, clapping once, "Here's the plan team. . . Ron,"  
  
  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
  
  
"Your job is to distract the fire-spitting lamps that we are sure to meet on the way. They're very common on the road to Sir Sean Connery."  
  
  
  
"Right, shouldn't be too tricky that. . . I've got a way with 'em lamps."  
  
  
  
"That you do. Now, Emma, your job is to find the magical dolphins. The only way we can get to the LOSTSCUBA (Lair Of Sir Tree Sean Connery (Uber-Bald Anthropoid)(A/N- yes, the "Tree" is random, but I needed a T) is with these magical dolphins. They are vital to the mission. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"  
  
  
  
"Um, Harry? Shouldn't you get someone who's less likely to go off and forget about the whole thing to do the crucial task?" Emma asked, hoping this wouldn't make the vein in Harry's head stick out even more.  
  
  
  
"Yea, you're probably right. I'll do that myself. You just... go with Ron. Do you have any problems with lamps?"  
  
  
  
"Um... no comment" Emma answered.  
  
  
  
"All..righty then." Harry continued. "Helena. Your job is to figure out where exactly LOST SCUBA is."  
  
  
  
Helena, who wasn't listening, suddenly came back to life. "Lost scuba? You Lost a scuba? Wait... is that even a noun?"  
  
  
  
"You have to capitalize it, Helena. It's LOST SCUBA." Emma explained.  
  
  
  
"But what is Gone Scuba, or whatever?"  
  
  
  
"If you scroll up, you can see the whole explanation" Ron suggested  
  
helpfully.  
  
  
  
Helena jumped up really high for a minute, then came back down. "Ooooo. LOST SCUBA. I see. So, I have to figure out where it is?"  
  
  
  
"Yup, that's your job."  
  
  
  
"But what will you be doing, Harry?" Helena asked.  
  
  
  
"I" Harry said proudly, "will find the magical dolphins that will enable us to get into LOST SCUBA." He looked around, expecting to see awed faces.  
  
  
  
"Yea, Harry? It'd be a lot more impressive if you hadn't said that five  
  
minutes ago." Emma and Ron said in unison, just to piss Helena off.  
  
"You know, if you said that together just to piss me off, I'm over it." Helena said in a perfectly calm voice.  
  
  
  
"Are you really?" Asked Draco.  
  
  
  
"No," She said, "I lied." Then proceeded to tackle Emma to the ground.  
  
  
  
"Dude, you do realize that you're wimpy and at least 5 inches shorter then me, right?" Emma stated from the ground.  
  
  
  
"Point taken. Anyway, what are Kate and Draco going to do?"  
  
  
  
"You know, I only repeated it because Helena asked me to." Harry said.  
  
  
  
"We know Harry." Said Ron sympathetically, "We were just joking around with ya."  
  
  
  
"You cut me deep Ron. You cut me real deep." Suddenly Helena broke into a fit of uncontrollable giggles, breaking the moment.  
  
  
  
"WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?!" Kate screamed. "I'm so sick of you and your craziness, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE CREATED ASYLUMS FOR A REASON!"  
  
  
  
"I. . .I. . .B-Be vewy vewy quite," Helena said between giggles, "I-I I'm Hunting. . . LOST SCUBA!"  
  
~*~  
  
Is Kate really sick of all the madness?  
  
Why the hell is Sir Sean Connery taking so long to enter the story?  
  
Will we ever get back to the torture list?  
  
ALL THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF. . . WALKING WITH DINOSAURS! 


	9. Ha! You really should have thought of th...

Alright, this is chapter 9. Chapter 9.  
  
number 9 number 9 number 9 number 9. . .  
  
A bit too much fun with that. Here we go:  
  
To answer the questions posed in the previous chapter:  
  
A bit  
  
He's a very busy man  
  
Stranger things have happened  
  
~*~  
  
Helena quickly went looking for an atlas.  
  
"Great plan, Helena!" Yelled Kate, sarcastically, "OF COURSE THE LAIR OF STUPID SEAN CONNERY IS GONNA BE IN A FRICKIN ATLAS!"  
  
"You know what Kate? So you're sick and tired of the madness, BIG DEAL! Learn to let it go! Besides, a new plot development is about to make you very happy."  
  
"Oh, I seriously doubt that!" Kate said, storming off into the garden to lie in the flowerbeds.   
  
"Don't lie on the flowerbeds! YOU'LL KILL THEM!" yelled Draco after her. "No! Not Jimmy! He was my favorite!" Draco burst into tears.  
  
  
  
"I'm sorry about your flowerbeds," said a voice above him.  
  
  
  
"Thanks, Sir Sean Connery," Draco said between sobs.  
  
"Anytime" said Sir Sean Connery.  
  
"OK, back to the plan, people!" announced Harry. "No more of these little distractions, I WON'T STAND FOR IT! You know, sometimes, the distactions, they take over my brain. And they go, here Harry, wouldn't you rather be distracted? And then another one goes, No Harry, be distracted over here! And the other one (he's my favorite) goes OVER HERE HARRY! and I go, inside voices, little disraction, and he goes, sorry. Let me try again. How bout over here, Harry? and sooner or later I'm distracted from by distraction of the distraction of the distraction of... mmm, do I smell pancakes?"  
  
"No, Harry,"said Helena comfortingly. "It's just the smell of the Irish. Damn Irish. I was Irish once, back in the day...and I still would be, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their stupid dog!"   
  
"Um, guys? Seriously hate to break up the lovefest," interjected Emma, "but wasn't that just Sir Sean Connery?"   
  
"I knew I sensed a disturbance in the Force!" yelled Ron triumphantly.   
  
"Then WHY didn't you SAY anything?" said Emma exasperatedly.   
  
"Well, I thought I smelled pancakes."   
  
"How many times do I have to tell you, it's those DAMN IRISH!" shouted Helena.   
  
"But, I thought Sir Sean Connery was Scottish," Harry said.   
  
"You mean," said Helena, "that Sir Sean Connery has been lying to us ALL ALONG?"  
  
~*~  
  
That's the end of chapter 9. Review if you want, it'll be fun 


	10. Ooh, that's why I'm easy, I'm easy like ...

Chapter 10  
  
Ok, this is chapter 10, enter Zorro the cactus. Be nice to him, he's my baby.  
  
To find more about him, if you enjoy him in this fic, you may visit:  
  
www.zorrothewondercactus.tk  
  
ALSO! To find more about Sir Sean Connery (Or send an official Sean Connery ePostcard, no joke), you may visit:  
  
www.seanconnery.com/index.cfm  
  
cough Anyway.  
  
~*~  
  
and to answer the INVISIBLE questions from the last chapter:  
  
Yes  
  
No  
  
It's because I'm allergic to pirates . . .kind of like Clay Aiken.  
  
~*~  
  
"Well the truth is, Helena," Sir Sean Connery's characteristic voice boomed from behind her, "I'm an alien."  
  
Everybody gasped in shock.  
  
"How do you know her name!?" Harry questioned, suspiciously. Sir Sean chuckled and patted Harry on the back,  
  
"I know everything, boy. And it's written on that sticker on her shirt."  
  
"Oh," Harry blushed and leaned over to Draco, whispering. "Sir Sean Connery patted my back and called me boy!"  
  
"So? Who is this guy?" Draco asked, clueless as ever.  
  
"I dunno, but he's a Sir. That's supposed to be important." He answered.  
  
"So anyway, Sir Sean," Emma chirped, "Why are you trying to steal chirstmas?"  
  
"What? Christmas?"  
  
"Yes, it's a holiday in December, quite popular actually." Draco explained.  
  
"Sir Sean Connery knows what Christmas is, Draco!" Kate exclaimed, exasperated.  
  
"Yeah," Ron added, "I think it's one of the requirements for becoming a Sir."  
  
Suddenly Lizz ran in,  
  
"Oh! OH! I know what chirstmas is! CAN I BE A SIR?!"  
  
"Ok, you need to go lie down." Emma tried to calm her down, putting an arm around the other girl's shoulders, "You're a bit obsessed with that. And another requirement is being a man. . .we wouldn't want to ruin that perfect figure of yours."  
  
"No we wouldn't, indeed." Helena, Harry, Ron and Draco agreed in unison  
  
"GAH! I'M DOING IT! NO!" Helena yelled before falling to her knees and sobbing, "WHY ME? WHY ME!?"  
  
"Whats up with her?" Lizz asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh, go read the first 9 chapters of the damn story!" Harry screeched.  
  
"Alright, that was UNCALLED FOR! Do not yell at Lizz," said Sir Sean Connery, taking Lizz by the hand and leading her towards the door, "Lets get out of here, darling. By the way, I'm NOT trying to steal Christmas."  
  
Lizz and Sir Sean Connery made a dramatic exit on his flying cow.  
  
As our heroes watched as Lizz and Sir Sean Connery drifted off into the sunset, Steve leaped over unsuspected, tackling Kate and putting a gun to her head . . .  
  
"Nobody move, or I'll shoot!" but before anybody could react, Zorro the ninja-cactus crashed through the window and used his mad ninja skills to overpower Steve.  
  
Then he proceeded to feed Steve to his goldfish.  
  
The goldfish was happy.  
  
~*~  
  
If you review and wish me luck on my history test I'll be eternally grateful! 


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